The Drinking Game
by GirlWhoLovesFanfiction
Summary: What would happen if the members of Hellsing were to compete in a contest of who can hold their liquor the longest? The video camera captures all without bias: every single embarrassing movement each person (or vampire) makes. A funny oneshot I made out of procrastination. Contains very light shipping of AxI and PxS, but doesn't distract. Walter's here but doesn't get much action.
1. A Battle No Mortal Shall Forget

**All right everyone! Here is another short story idea I came up with and essentially pulled out of my butt while boredom overtook me! Thank you for dealing with my crazy mind and I hope you guys enjoy! Thanks for reading! :)**

A Battle No Mortal Shall Forget

It was one of those quiet, peaceful nights at the Hellsing manor. The sky was clear, the moon shone brightly up in the sky, and two soldiers were quarrelling out of nothing but pure testosterone.

Seras growled and ripped the scope off of an AK-74. "Why can't you just hit the bloody target?"

The brown haired mercenary to her left crossed his arms and puffed on his cigarette. "Please, ma chere, I'm not superhuman. The target is five hundred meters away; I'll need both marksmanship _and_ luck if you expect me to hit it!"

And with that, the young vampire shut one blue eye, positioned the gun, and pulled the trigger. With a feisty grin, she shoved the gun in Pip's arms, causing him to grunt and stoop with the weight of it, and began to waltz off. "Maybe Hellsing should just rely on only vampire soldiers. Your squad couldn't hold up against even me in any contest at all."

Although Pip was enjoying the sight of her leaving, something in her voice caused him to grow angry. "Swimming!" he yelled.

Seras rolled her eyes, but paused nonetheless. Her interest had suddenly been sparked. "In a regular pool, I'd be able to win without any sort of effort. It's just open-bodied water that I'll drown in."

 _Does that mean I might be able to see her in a swimsuit one day?_ Pip's eyes darted down to her chest as he began to salivate. The draculina noticed the hungry look and sent him a glare. "Try again," she barked, both out of an attempt to distract him and to win the argument.

Pip's lips twitched in a smirk. "Drinking," he purred, already knowing that he won.

Seras snorted. "That's so stupid. Why would I want to drink? I can't, anyways, since the only thing I can consume is blood."

The mercenary grinned mischievously. "No, zat's not true, mademoiselle. I caught your master sipping wine as we made our way to Rio. And you said _any_ competition, so I want to settle zis ze old fashioned way: I want us to see who can last ze longest with their liquor!"

"What's this about a competition?" a dark voice suddenly boomed. And everyone in that room simultaneously shit bricks.

Alucard suddenly formed, literally, out of a mass of shadows that had gathered on the floor and became tangible in the creepiest way possible. Pip nervously took a few steps back, sweat perforating his brow. "Oh, Mr. Alucard, er… we were simply having a discussion about who can drink ze most…"

"And I was just explaining to him that vampires can't handle human food or drink, and then he had the audacity to accuse you of drinking wine! As if you wouldn't tell me there were some things I couldn't have… right?" Seras beamed hopefully at her master. The Frenchman spared her a look of absolute betrayal before taking a few understandable steps the fuck away from Alucard.

The vampire loosened his cravat and crossed his arms. "Actually, if the vampire is surprisingly able to tolerate the blood of not only humans, but grapes and other assorted life forms as well; it just cannot eat the flesh of anything but a human, and it would not benefit the vampire. As it is, I rather like drinking wine, though I doubt your virgin system would be able to handle such a shock. You would certainly become inebriated within minutes."

Seras gasped. "Master! How dare you! I'll have you know that though I might have been a pure bobby, that doesn't mean I didn't get into trouble back in the day! I drank quite a bit during my time at the sorority!"

 _Sorority?_ Pip gave her a look of approval. _And she just admitted that she was a naughty girl… I wonder if she ever experimented while she was in college too…_

 _It would be best to get those ideas out of your head before things got ugly, Frenchman;_ Alucard directed the warning directly into his head, _she is my child after all, and I won't have you thinking of my daughter that way._

Before Pip could say anything about his mind being raped, Alucard responded to Seras. "With experience, you build up quite a resistance to the effects of alcohol. If I so chose I would best all of you in such contest. Plus, women aren't known for winning many drinking games." He did not mean the last part, but he knew that his fledgling would take it as a challenge. Truthfully, she had been very mousy as of late, it was good to spark her fire. She was much more fun that way.

"You both think you're _so_ tough, well I've had it! I'll prove to you that I can hold my ground! Once I beat you, you'll be bowing at my feet, you _sexists_!" Seras shrieked.

"I have a hard time believing zat," Pip growled. "I am well known with my men for my ability to hold my ground and I will not be bested by two vampires! Drinking is a human game!"

"Then what are we waiting for?!" Alucard baited, slamming his hands on the table that held a few guns, making the thing shake violently. "Let's prove one another wrong! Let's drink unto the coming dawn! Let this be a battle no mortal shall soon forget! LET'S DO IT!"

Integra chose this time to stride into the room and jump at the loud roar of her servant. "Hold on! Do _what,_ now?!"

Alucard smirked. "Ah, my Master, you never cease to amaze me with your impeccable timing. We were just in need of a referee."

"A referee for what?" the house butler, Walter, came to stand reproachfully in front of Integra.

Seras glowered at both the males in the room. "Pip thinks that humans are ultimately better at holding their liquor than vampires, and Master thinks that not only are vampires better, but he thinks that since I'm a woman that he'll beat me!"

"And I am much older," Alucard hastened to add.

Integra's eyes widened with anger. "Oh, so now he thinks that humans and women are weak? Need I remind you, servant, who the master of this house is?!"

Alucard's smirk grew as his eyes lit up with the possibility of another challenger. "Surely my woman master wouldn't want to partake in such a brutish game. After all, the defeat you would suffer by my hand would only cause you to lose confidence when ordering me. And we wouldn't want that, would we?"

The heiress's eyes crackled with electric blue lightning. "WALTER! STAND AS THE REFEREE! We're about to find out just who of us is the REAL breadwinner!"

"Ma'am, I would like to ask that I also partake of this contest," Walter politely bowed.

"You, Angel?" Alucard mused.

"Why?" asked Seras.

"Personally, I would like to see a human win this battle, and because I am old enough, I believe I will be able to beat you, Alucard. I have nothing against you ladies, or you, Mr. Bernadotte, but I would love nothing more than to crush him into the dust."

The vampire laughed loudly. "Oh, this is a treat! A real treat! I'm about to mop the floor with all of you, and I won't even get any punishment from the seals when I do! But… who will act as a referee, then, to prove that one of us is the champion?"

"I have a video camera!" Pip burst forth. "It's in Seras's room, but I am willing to use it!"

And in that moment, all eyes were drawn to the mercenary. The poor draculina blushed with both embarrassment and anger. "And just what was your camera doing in my room?"

Pip awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. "Er… capturing memories?"

And it was then that for the first time in history, two vampires, a government official, a butler, and a mercenary with a broken nose all set out to become the champion of The Drinking Game.

 **Things are about to get interesting! I've already uploaded the second chapter, so without any further ado, let's continue on! Thanks for the support!**


	2. Police Girl's On the Barbeque

**All right everyone, here's part two! :)**

Police Girl's On the Barbeque

It was decided then that they would use the Round Table room to drink themselves silly. All of the tequila from Integra's wine cellar had been moved up to that room, and four small shot glasses had been arranged for each participant.

Integra was the first to speak while they waited for Pip to return with the camera he had hidden in the Police Girl's room. "I'm glad tomorrow is Saturday."

"Well, you know that song by that female artist… Kathy Porky?" Alucard looked questioningly towards his fledgling.

"Katy Perry," she corrected gently, though not without a hidden smirk.

"Right. Katy Perry has a song about how fantastic her Friday nights are. Perhaps instead of a stranger in your bed, you'll see me, Master," Alucard grinned at Integra.

The heiress in question rolled her eyes. "Really, that was just a horrible attempt at flirting. You had better not get frisky when you get drunk," Integra warned. And then an unusual smirk formed. "Maybe instead of a Barbie Girl on the barbeque, it'll be the Police Girl."

"Hey!"

Alucard laughed. " _Police Girl's on the barbeque_ ," he sang in-tune. "Sounds catchy. Police Girl, how tolerant of flames are you?" it sounded like he was only sort of kidding.

"I'd rather not find out!"

Walter's eyebrows knitted together in worry. "Shouldn't we be supervised? We don't know what will happen when our minds go out the window. Perhaps one of us should resign from the contest."

Alucard chuckled. "Like hell anyone in this manor would back down from a challenge. You should really worry less; we're all under a strict leash, here. It's only Integra we have to worry about flying off the handle, really."

"And I already know what manner of drunk I am," Integra added, leaning back confidently in her chair.

All eyes turned to her briefly as the question hung in the air before Pip returned with the camera, not making eye contact with Seras. "All right, everyone, I think it's time to start. We don't need to count the shots since the camera will already take care of that. However, the first one to quit or pass out loses. And… here we go." The camera began blinking red, and this was the signal that meant everything was being recorded.

Walter went for the bottle of tequila and poured everyone an equal amount into their glass. Before anyone took a sip, however, Alucard stood up.

"Now everyone, I believe this requires a toast. I have not proposed one since my reign on the council back when I was a human, but on this day, each of you has earned a small portion of my respect for daring to challenge me. Even the perverted Frenchman. Cheers!"

And at this, everyone awkwardly clinked their glasses with his; Pip being a bit delayed. And finally, the game went underway.

After the first two shots, Seras leaned back in her chair. "How's everyone feeling?" she asked, not the least bit buzzed yet.

"You'll have to wait," Walter tapped his glass. "Sometimes it could take up to twenty minutes before the alcohol hits you. It has been ten minutes, so within five you should see some people becoming inebriated."

"So," Pip suddenly intervened, looking at Integra, "What kind of drunk are you?"

"You'll find out as soon as it happens," Integra answered, an aura of cool mystery about her.

"I don't believe I've ever seen you plastered before, Master," Alucard mused.

"That's because I am responsible and it rarely happens," she responded curtly, mildly annoyed.

Walter picked up the bottle and started to pour everyone a new glass. "Yes, you are a bit different from the way your father was once upon a time."

Alucard laughed. "Ah, how nostalgic. I remember how he got; he always became so calm. Booze was to him as cigars are to you, I think."

"And what about you?" Pip asked. "What sort of drunk are you?"

"Me? I'd like to think that I get a bit… reckless."

The mercenary slowly but surely edged away from him. "Drink," Walter commanded, and everyone downed their shot in seconds.

"Oh," Seras wooed, shaking her head with a goofy grin. "I think I'm getting a little buzzed."

Walter laughed to himself. "I think I'm feeling a bit lightheaded as well."

Integra smirked at Alucard. "I'm feeling great. But does the big, scary vampire feel tipsy too?"

He scoffed. "Not at all. I could go for another shot."

And right at that point, everyone started to forget what happened afterwards. Luckily, the camera kept rolling on through the night.

It was Alucard who woke up first the next morning, which was odd since he was such a night creature. Groaning in displeasure, he almost scratched an itch on his chest and froze when he not only felt a warm head lying on his chest, but that he was completely without a shirt.

Eyes snapping open, he stared down at a head of long blonde hair buried onto his right pectoral muscle, down to where his arm was wrapped around a slim waist, and where legs were intertwined. His master, the actual Iron Maiden herself, was sleeping directly on top of him and he had no memory of the night before.

Dread began to fill his stomach first. What had happened? His head rolled sluggishly to the side to notice that Pip was also lying on top of the table, surprisingly modest beside his fledgling. Walter, in the more humorous position, was upside down on one of the chairs with his face buried in the leather. This really was like that song by Kathryn Berry!

Despite how badly he wanted to get up and check out what was on the videotape, he also did not want to get up on count of the fact that a golden opportunity like this didn't spring up out of nowhere. Pulling Integra gently up so that she was farther on top of him, he rested the top of her head beneath his chin. It almost disturbed him how much he enjoyed her presence. So, like any good servant would do, he shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep in the hopes of freaking her out as soon as she woke up.

His heart raced in anticipation. He wished everyone would hurry and wake up so he could re-watch the battle and find out just how badly he had beaten everyone else!

 **I am so procrastinating with my other fanfictions with this new one~~~~**

 **The last chapter is coming up next. Please stay tuned! Thank you for reading/reviewing!**


	3. Up and at 'Em

**So I considered it, and I have decided that this will be a four-parter. I felt that the ways in which everyone woke up deserved its own chapter. NEXT chapter will be the finale, and it will stretch much longer than just three pages like the rest of these. So, here's part three!**

Up and at 'Em

Integra's blue eyes blinked open slowly, and she grimaced. Her head felt like it had been split open by a jackhammer and then repeatedly smashed with a mallet. Her mouth was dry and tasted like bile, and her beautiful mane of blonde hair was disheveled and tangled. It would take her forever to finally return it to its normal state. She could not seem to recall how long these 'hangovers' were supposed to last, but she prayed that it would go away within a few hours. It had been such a long time since she had last gotten hammered.

And then she noticed that she was not in her bed. Heavy limbs stiffened when she recognized the scent of blood and gunpowder, as well as a dark red cravat, which she was currently using as a pillow. _Oh no._ Her eyes trailed slowly, comically slow, up to a pale chin. _Oh no_.

"Oh yes, my dear. Last night… was so much _fun_."

Of course, her immediate inferno of rage did nothing to dampen her unbearable headache. Grabbing the cravat in front of her, Integra swiftly sat up on top of Alucard and yanked him up to look her in her square in her frightening eyes. Even the vampire got a little nervous looking at her expression. Had he gone too far?

Integra leaned in and placed her lips near his ear. And then whispered just barely loud enough for him to hear: "If I find out you have… _violated me_ … I am going to snap every bone in your body. And then- _AND THEN_ \- I'm going to make you swallow blessed blades. I'm going to slice open your skin and shove crucifixes _everywhere._ And if one doesn't fit somewhere, _I'll just make room for it to fit_. I will then dump you in a tub of boiling silver and record the screaming you will absolutely make so I can fall asleep peaceably to it _every night_. But I won't kill you. No, that won't do. Because that would be showing you a mercy. I will make every day for you, from the now until the day I die, a _living nightmare._ You will be begging Satan to hurry up and grab your black soul and drag you to into Hell just to get away from me by the end of your first day. Now tell me… how, _exactly_ , did you behave last night?"

Okay, so the joke might have been a bit much. _Mental note: do not push Master too far_ , Alucard thought. He could not help but shiver a little at the thought. Integra was actually scaring him a little bit with the way she was speaking. And he could not help but think that was incredibly attractive. _What a woman!_

"I was joking, Master," Alucard explained, holding still so that she did not throttle him, much like a 'if I hold still maybe she can't see me' type of strategy. "You still smell like a virgin."

The tight grip she had on his cravat was released, and Integra got up off of him, shoving her platinum hair out of her face. "Good. Now, do you remember anything from l-" after her eyes flicked off of Alucard, the damage done to the council room made her words die in her throat.

Walter was passed out on the one chair that was not thrown across the room. Pip and Seras were still asleep, lying side by side on the table but not touching. There were four horizontal scratch marks at the end of the table, and the wall had a hole in it. A broken computer with a few bullet holes in it was thrown across the room. There were also several other bullet holes in various places and the door was completely ripped off its hinges. Integra placed a hand over her mouth. "What did we do?" she breathed.

The vampire shrugged. "I have no idea. But the camera knows."

With a frustrated sigh, Integra quickly looked around the room and spotted the thing in between Seras and Pip. Just as she was about to head towards it, a large hand stopped hers gently. "Master," Alucard said in a warning tone. "Surely you remember how dangerous vampires are when they are first awoken?"

Integra gave him a puzzled look. "I wake you all the time."

He chuckled. "Yes, but you are my master. It's different, because the seals protect you. But you aren't Seras's master, though technically you have more control over her than I do. Seals can't stop her from attacking you."

She blinked. "Then you wake them up."

A devious smirk lifted his lips. "Of course."

Alucard swept towards the sleeping pair and pushed Pip's shoulder, causing him to fall a painful height onto the floor. With a more than generous amount of cursing, he got up on his hands and knees. The only thing that exited him was more cursing and garbled French for the next few moments as his half-lidded eyes tried to comprehend his hangover.

Seras was awoken in a much less ceremonious way. Because vampires apparently did not get hung over, he decided to torment his fledgling rather than simply shove her onto the floor. No: Alucard quickly yanked her up by the front of her uniform and screamed at the top of his lungs: "POLICE GIRL! GET UP, GET UP, GET UP, GET UP, GET UPPP! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! WAKEN AND FACE ME!"

And the poor bobby's eyes snapped open and she screamed back in absolute terror, flailing her arms around and kicking out with her legs. Alucard laughed maniacally and released her roughly, doubling over in his amusement. A furious and embarrassed blush filled her cheeks and she buried her face in her hands. "Master!" she groaned.

During all of this movement, Walter had somehow managed to wake himself up and accidentally tipped over the last remaining chair. With a grunt, the elderly butler dusted himself off and cradled his head in his hands. "I'm too bloody old for this young-person bollocks."

Pip managed to compose himself after hearing the commotion above him, which was a nice way of saying that his soul nearly left his body at the sound of the vampire's spine-chilling, bloodcurdling scream. Deep in his heart of hearts, he wondered if perhaps Alucard had been this manner of insane in his life. Taking a gander around the damaged room, he winced. "So I take it that no one remembers anything of ze night before. Ze last thing I remember is having a little spat with my mignonette."

"I remember the arm-wrestling," Alucard grinned. "I won, Bernadotte." A bead of sweat rolled down Pip's forehead. He had fought with the vampire? And he was not dead?

"I remember the debate over which death was worse: impaling or incineration." After a short pause, Integra concluded that in fact, impaling had won. Her servant never looked so pleased, but only she and Walter knew why.

"I recall a game of musical chairs," Walter supplied, getting a weird look from Alucard. He had played such a childish game? "I also took the lot of you down. Alucard did not want to play such a game." Oh, good. At least he still retained some of his dignity.

"The last thing I remember, we were having that dancing competition," Seras said, and then blushed once more as everyone's eyes fell on her. "I… um… might have won that one…" Scratch that- Alucard really did not want to believe that he had participated in that. If he had, that dignity might be lost forever.

"It's settled then," Alucard stated as he rose to his full height, grabbing the camera. "We need to find out who won the real game. And just how this room was destroyed.

 **So, guys, give me your feedback! Who do you think woke up the worst way: Alucard (with the torture threat), Integra (with the scare/massive hangover), Pip (with the three-foot-high faceplant on the ground/massive hangover/scare), Seras (With the un-life scared out of her/embarrassment), or Walter (upside down for hours/chair tip/massive hangover)?**

 **Also, thanks so much for the support! Next chapter will be up within the month. Also: can you guys believe it's August already? I'm so disappointed that summer has just been zipping by, but I am also strangely excited for the upcoming new year. It's a vicious cycle: I cherish my freedom, and yet anticipate the disappearance of it! They're already putting Halloween stuff up in my nearby supermarket and it's so depressing/exciting. :/**


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